you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
