I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My penis needs a shock collar
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
