i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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