i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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