the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I think I just shit out all my problems.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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