Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
