Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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