The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I did not marry a roomba.
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