It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
