just survived the first fart of the relationship.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
