Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
