She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
