I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize