For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
