Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize