Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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