then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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