Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Boobs speak an international language.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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