i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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