I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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