I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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