My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
