Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
