sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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