Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
