She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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