Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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