Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
