i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
