but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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