your thong is hanging out like whoa
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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