New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
