I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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