Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
