she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
