i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
