Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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