peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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