She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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