things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
