I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
