YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
