If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
