I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
