After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
