Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
