he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
