i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
