Kiss
Puke
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize