I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
