Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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