you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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