i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
