i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You have to summon your inner elephant
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
