My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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