if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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