it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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